Erma Bombeck is Smiling Down at Me from Heaven

Thought you might like to enjoy a laugh at my expense...

Bear slept unusually late Friday morning. As I enjoyed brushing my teeth sans the soundtrack of a child screaming to be released from a plush nursery bigger than my first apartment, I was already thinking I should have gotten up a little earlier to enjoy a shower by myself.

Because I had to attend a business meeting at noon. One that's already been rescheduled 4 times.

Typical game plan for showering without Husband to run Bear interference is to gather his bath stuff together and let him play in the water when I'm done. He usually plays in the tub the entire time I'm getting ready.

I open the shower curtain to discover that Bear had been playing on the tile floor with the water glasses (actual GLASS glasses) his parents had been too tired (read "too sick and spaced out on narcotic cough syrup") to put out of his reach before going to bed. And that Kona - who had already been out at least six times - had peed all over the bathroom floor. And that Bear had abandoned his attempt to shatter the water glasses in favor of splashing in the giant puddle of urine.

I could tell where Kona had wandered because Sable was gleefully running around the bedroom sniffing his footprints.

I piled on some towels and stripped Bear down to get him in the tub. At which point I discovered he had a poopy diaper. So - still naked and dripping wet - I scoop up the Bear with one hand, hold the diaper closed with the other hand, and rush him to his changing table in search of wipes.

It's worth noting at this point I'm on my period and - because I've only been to the store 3 times in the last week - had run out of tampons. So as I was running naked down the hall holding a half naked baby I was also hoping there wasn't blood running down my leg.

There were10 people coming Saturday to process 100 pounds of apples and I'd been sick for a week and the toilet's growing mold and the carpets were a lovely shade of German Shepherd.

So what I'm saying is, I hadn't had time to run downstairs to steal the last box of tampons from the extra bathroom so I certainly didn't have time to clean blood off the carpet.

I took him back in the bathroom and he saw my toothbrush, at which point he decided he had to brush his teeth again or the world would end. So I gave him his toothbrush and went into the closet to grab some underwear.

When I came out he was missing. I went looking for him and found him coming back upstairs - naked, and with toothbrush still in hand. He got to the top, pointed back down and said "uh-oh." Translation: I peed down there somewhere. Good luck finding it.

Then, while Bear played in the tub I desperately tried to get my hair under control. I got it cut by a new stylist Thursday. One whose name I'd be hard pressed to tell you. Because my regular stylist had to have emergency surgery and my other regular stylist was too booked taking appointments canceled by the other stylist. And I was a few months overdue for a cut and had already been forced to reschedule 3 times.

What I learned is, you have to be very specific about what you mean by "structure" when describing the cut you want to a new stylist. She gave me so much structure the Empire State Building is jealous. I've got more layers than an onion. Problem is, it's one of those cuts that requires a trained stylist and specialized equipment to style. Training and equipment I lack. It looked GREAT coming out of the salon. But when I tried to do it, I got something more along the lines of Holly Hunter meets the Shaggy DA circa 1987.

So as I'm trying not to have a hair meltdown the Bear climbed out of the tub and wraps his dripping wet body around my legs. The legs clad in brand new, just got 'em back from the tailor dress pants. So it's on to Plan B - the jeans I wore yesterday.

He goes back in the tub. I go back to my hair. In the mirror I see a naked toddler streak behind me into the closet and slam the door. I followed him immediately, but was too late. I found him hiding in the back corner of my closet under my dresses, gleefully playing with his own personal fountain of urine.

I got him cleaned up and dressed. I got my portfolio for the meeting. He hid under my desk.

I went back to finish my makeup. He wandered off with the toothpaste and toothbrush. I decided I didn't care.

When it was time to leave I found him hiding in the dog crate, sucking on the toothpaste, showing the dog the cartoon train on his toothbrush and excitedly explaining that trains say "Woo Woo!"

I may or may not have left a pile of urine soaked towels on my bathroom floor. But I made it to my meeting on time, so we're putting this one in the Win column.

Post Script... after all that, my meeting stood me up. I decided it was a sign I deserved a nice quiet lunch by myself.