I'm tired all the time.
I'm bitchy all the time.
I just spent 6 weeks sick.
I've started crying a lot.
When I was training regularly I felt great, was always in a good mood and almost never got sick.
I know I have to get back to it, but I find myself scared to death.
I don't have any time.
I don't have any energy.
I don't have any aerobic capacity.
I don't have any strength or flexibility.
My foot still hurts every. single. fucking. day. (It's been 18 months)
I feel like after all triathlon has done for me, I've failed it and don't deserve to come back. I'm scared of starting over from scratch. I'm scared of not being worthy all over again. I'm scared of sucking all over again.
After so many years and making so much progress, I never expected to feel like a terrified beginner again. And I don't know how to handle it.
5 comments:
Oh dear. I hope someone knows the answer. And when they tell you, please tell me, ok? Because I feel you.
Tell Bear Happy 2nd Birthday from us!
I'm sorry. But I think that once you begin anew, it can be exciting again, too.
Small manageable chunks, that's the ticket!
I so wish I lived close enough to you that I could give you a huge hug- and then strap your shoes on you and head out for a walk with you. Seriously, anything is do-able. Especially with all that you've been through, before and after the birth of your adorable son. There is NO failure unless you don't try at all. You are going to get back to it, you're going to feel the way you want to again. Is it going to happen overnight? No. Might it still suck at times? Yes. But you deserve it, and you will get there. I feel like I've "started over" so many times that I can't possibly be making progress. But I try to remember that this is a life-long endeavor and that's what I've got- a long life- to keep working at it and do my best. You'll totally figure out what works for you, and your body and your family. You've got lots of support behind you, too. I'm wishing you all the best and will be cheering for all your future successes, and there will be many.
I think, starting after a time away is HARDER than being a beginner, because now you know what you're facing. And you have expectations of what you "should" be able to do.
Eff all of that.
And especially the "not worthy" part.
You are awesome and bad-ass and brave. Make a plan, follow the plan, see some progress. It'll get easier.
Love you!
You can so do this.
You have not failed triathlon.
You are worthy.
You never sucked and you will not suck.
Just take baby steps. Just like you are setting up a plan and helping Baby Bear. Set up a plan and help yourself.
You can do this and you will and I am here for you every step of the way. You are amazing and you will get back in the saddle and rock the triathlon world and Baby Bear will be able to look up to you and say WOW MY MOM ROCKS!!
Hold that head high and Get "Er Done!!
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