Shifting Mental Gears

I've pretty much been stuck at the mental place I was back in 2004, before I started my journey to health and happiness through triathlon.

In that mental prison I'm still 270+ pounds. Huge. Sick. Miserable.

I've heard a lot about body dysmorphia, where people don't see what they really look like when they look in the mirror because their brain is stuck on an internal image. Mostly you hear about it with anorexics and such.

I think I had that a little bit, because no matter how much I lose and how many sizes I've dropped I still see that same enormous person in the mirror.

But when I saw this picture from Halloween, I got the shock of my life.

For the first time ever I saw - really, truly understood - that I've lost almost 60 pounds. That I have a waistline. That I'm down to a single chin. That, 5 years after squeezing into size 26 jeans in despair, I slipped on a size 16 Halloween costume and looked good. (In case you're wondering, I went as the Fashion Police.)

It blew me away.

Granted, I still need to lose another 80 or 90 pounds to be at a reasonable weight for my height. But seeing this picture made me feel what that means. It made me get in my gut how far I've come and how great it will be when I find the end of the path.

It was what I needed, when I needed it. Suddenly, getting back on speaking terms with The Calorie Nazi and finding my way back to a training schedule doesn't seem so crazy. It's going to be incredibly hard. And I'll probably be an emotional wreck. But it feels like the right thing to do again. And that's what I was missing.

Two

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Bear!

Still can't believe how fast you went from this...

to this!

Didn't Expect This

I'm tired all the time.
I'm bitchy all the time.
I just spent 6 weeks sick.
I've started crying a lot.

When I was training regularly I felt great, was always in a good mood and almost never got sick.

I know I have to get back to it, but I find myself scared to death.

I don't have any time.
I don't have any energy.
I don't have any aerobic capacity.
I don't have any strength or flexibility.
My foot still hurts every. single. fucking. day. (It's been 18 months)

I feel like after all triathlon has done for me, I've failed it and don't deserve to come back. I'm scared of starting over from scratch. I'm scared of not being worthy all over again. I'm scared of sucking all over again.

After so many years and making so much progress, I never expected to feel like a terrified beginner again. And I don't know how to handle it.

Early Birthday Present

After hearing the recommendations for Bear's sensory therapy, we decided to scrap the plans we'd made for his birthday gifts and get him a trampoline instead. I felt really bad about it, but we can't afford to do it all, and the trampoline is what he needs.

Dudes. I need not have felt one iota of guilt over this decision.


It arrived Sunday. He hasn't stopped bouncing since. As far as he's concerned, it's the best birthday present in the history of birthday presents. He doesn't know or care that it's supposed to be "therapy." He just knows it's full of awesome.

The only down side - aside from the conspicuously ginormous trampoline in my front room - is that it's a toddler model with a weight limit of 60 pounds, so I can't bounce with him. But that problem will be remedied by the birthday gift my mom is sending... a full size outdoor trampoline. Hopefully it will arrive in time for his actual birthday in 2 weeks. YAY!

Growing Up So Fast

This was taken about a week ago, the day Baby Bear turned 23 years months old.