With friends like this, who needs enemies?

One of our good friends was over last weekend to watch the SuperBowl. I owe him a lot; he's the one who got me swimming in open water enough that I could actually enter a triathlon with some level of confidence I wouldn't have a panic attack in the first leg. I've played on a volleyball and a softball team with him. He's always been indulgent of my lack of athletic skill, and is sometimes generous in his efforts to help me improve. He is sometimes openly critical - almost scornful - of my weight, but I've come to accept that. Some people will just never, ever understand about that, and years as a tomboy taught me that guys treat sensitive topics very differently than girls do. The almost vicious edge to his personality, which everyone (including him) is aware comes from his father, doesn't show itself very often; when it does, it's a subject of discussion amongst those who are close to him. Bottom line, I know better than to let his occassional outbursts get to me.

Anyway, although not a triathlete he's a very athletic guy, and I'm the second of three women in our circle he's helped into triathlon with swim lessons and lake access. He's generally quite supportive of our efforts.

But last weekend, when he asked me about racing and I happily responded about my progress and planned races, he interrupted me to say "yeah, but you're just doing the all-girl races, right?"

I admitted that, yes, for one more year that's all I was signing up for. He laughed, and then proceeded to brag about his own progress - namely, that he was up to 3 miles on the elliptical hill program (BFD, btw, is how I feel about THAT).

I was reeling. Hurt. Heartbroken. "Just" doing the "girl" races? Is that what my friends think? That I'm so pathetic I can't handle "real" races? I had no idea how to respond, it was such a dramatic turn from the enthusiastic support I usually get from my friends.

After the fact it occurred to me that I should have retorted with the fact that pro triathletes like Nicole DeBoom didn't have a problem with doing the "girl" races. And I didn't see him getting off his ass (or his elliptical, as the case may be) to sign up for any race of any kind.

The good comebacks, the solid information, that stuff never occurs to me until it's too late, because when someone hurts my feelings like that I'm pretty much speechless. I didn't even defend myself - technically, I agreed with him!

I'm angry at him for saying something so cruel, and angry at myself for letting it get to me. And more than a week later it's still bothering me, making me wonder if I really am fooling myself, and that my efforts are sad and comical to observers.

Part of the reason I started this blog was that I wanted to voice the struggles of the minority of women like me. The ones who feel trapped in mediocrity by weight and health problems and fear and the preconception that they're not good enough. The ones for whom this is so hard, such a mountain to climb. But now I'm afraid I'm doing the sport a disservice. I was hoping that women would see me fighting for every step, every breath, and be empowered, that they would say "if she can do it, then surely I can too" and that they would get out there and tri. But now I'm afraid that people see me and think "well if she can do it, clearly it's not a big deal."