Monday, June 30, 2008

Calorie Nazi Status Report

My weight shot up again. This is how I gain weight - it's never a gradual thing where I can notice and think 'hmm, need to start cutting back.' It's generally a 'holy shit, I gained 5 pounds in 3 days..." and then it's just THERE. Forever. It's not like 'oh, I bloated for 3 days' and then goes away. Back before I was medicated, I could easily gain 20 pounds in a month, and that was with diet and exercise. Fucking thyroid.

All the sudden I'm realizing that puts me at +11 since the low after I had the baby. I'm done fucking around. I don't care how fucking much he screams while I take the 30 seconds to record the 2 bites I had a chance to fucking eat, I'm taking the time for myself and getting back on the wagon. I don't care how much he squirms and fusses in the stroller, I'm going for a fucking walk once in a while again.

He's is a bad place right now, I get that. Teething must hurt like hell, and he's clingy to begin with. But he hasn't given me 2 seconds to myself in weeks and we're coming up on a month now that I haven't worked out. It's not acceptable and it's very quickly reaching the point where I'm not going to be a good mom for him. I'm usually an extremely patient person, but right now my fuse is so short I've been forced to put him down and leave the room so I didn't scream back at him.

I need my exercise. It makes me a happier, healthier, more even-tempered person. This has been nagging at me for a while now, and this morning, when I saw the scale, it was the last straw. I HAVE to start taking care of me again or I won't be able to take very good care of him.

So. This morning he screamed while I restarted the diet software. He screamed while I listened to its lectures about how I haven't logged any food in 68 days and right now to meet my previously set goal I'd have to eat -186 calories a day, which is "absurd." Yes, it used that word. He screamed while I reset the goals for a fresh start.

Then he screamed while I got him dressed to go for a stroller run. Then he screamed while I got me dressed for a stroller run. Then he screamed when I had to put him down and clean up all the pee and give the visiting puppy (yet another fucking) bath because apparently "house trained" means something different to her owner than it does to us. Then he screamed and threw up while I took the phone call from the puppy's owner (who was supposed to be on the way to pick her up) because she fell getting out of the shower and is going to the emergency room for a dislocated knee.

By then it was too late to go for the run because it had been too long since he ate. So I took off the running bra (wrenching the crap out of my bad wrist in the process, painfully enough to make me cry), fed him and he promptly fell asleep (something he NEVER does any more). I put him down and rushed into the kitchen, starving... I barely had time to grab a healthy snack, report it to The Calorie Nazi and record the new Weight Watchers mango & black bean salsa recipe I'll be snacking on this week before he woke up.

Now he's screaming because he's been awake for more than 6 seconds and I failed to pick him up in time.

I NEED a good fucking workout to take the edge off this insanity. I might have to use myprecious babysitter time today for that, even though it was supposed to be for an overdue client project. I can't keep going on like this.

(He just threw up all over my workout gear. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.)

8 comments:

Herself, the GeekGirl said...

I wonder how he'd react to one of those back baby carriers? You could strengthen yourself while power-walking with the babe!

Herself, the GeekGirl said...

PS: Somewhere out there has to be a website or blog about and for mommies who are fitness-oriented, and they'd have tips on how they do it!

Trisaratops said...

Vent away, girl. You gotta do that sometimes.

Remember: Happy Mom = Happy Baby. Or something like that. You definitely need to take some time--even just a teensy bit--for yourself, or you'll go ape. Maybe a babysitter once a week for a few hours like you said--you can still do work but spend just a half hour on yourself--exercise, yoga, whatever?

Hang in there!

jbmmommy said...

Wow- sounds like you need that break. Wish I could do something to help you out, can you find anyone to give you a break for time for yourself? Crying's not hurting him, it's about the only exercise they get at that age. You do what you've got to do, no guilt allowed. Hope you're past this bad patch soon.

LBTEPA said...

There was only one baby book I had that made me feel like I could actually manage this whole Mum thing - it was called "secrets of the Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg and the page I liked the best was
A CRYING BABY DOES NOT EQUAL A BAD MOTHER.

I had a conversation with Noddie when she was about 6 months old. along the lines of, you don't like me, and I don't like you either so we're just going to have to deal with it. I felt ok about this after my Mum told me she'd had the same conversation with ME!
The main thing is you know when to put him down and leave the room. Now if you'd stop breastfeeding you could start hitting the bourbon and that would really help (LOL just joking)
I wish I could come over and take him for a walk for you ((hugs))

Sixteen Chickens said...

OMG I THINK WE ARE LIVING PARRALELL LIVES, (and i don't care if i can't fucking spell parallel, ha!) I am surprised you can't hear this baby screaming from my house. Somebody tell me WHY I said I would do this? Anybody? No? Shit. Dammit. USE YOUR BABYSITTER TIME! CALL IT A LIFEBOAT! (or just swim little fishy, swim) :) I loves you, Siren, take care, call me if you need to vent, I know it's long distance but it's ok, I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. KICK THE NAZI TO THE CURB, it's just adding more stress.

TriGirl 40 said...

Keep remembering your needs in the balance - the rest will come - albiet with a bit of screaming.

Jonah Holland said...

God, I've been there. I will say he'll get used to it if you walk every day. That is what I did. And it get's a whole lot easier when they are old enough to have a snack in the stroller while you jog your little heart out. Actually, you can tell mine are older, but they are usually the ones using the ipod i bring, not me.
Hang in there.
ps The Baby Whisperer Solves all Your Problems was life changing for me. Also by Tracy HOGG, now go check it out from the library.