Tick Tock

I've never been so aware of time passing before. Every time the phone rings I assume it's the family calling to say Grandma is gone. Every hour that passes without a call all I can think about is how she looked lying in that bed, so weak she can't even drink from a straw, just lingering and suffering.

I take a shower, I play with the baby, I bake some cookies... and she's still just lying in that hospital bed. Took weak to pull up the blankets when she's cold or press the call button for help when her diaper needs changed. Sleeping so deeply she's more or less unconsicous, unable to stay awake for more than a few seconds at a time or whisper more than a word or two. Completely at the mercy of an almost criminally apathetic staff whose primary responsiblity seems to be avoiding us when we notify them she needs something.

I can't stop thinking about how she mustered every bit of strength she had to lift her hand up to hold mine when we were saying goodbye.

I'd have sat there all day if I could, but she's contagious and the hospital didn't want me to bring the baby into her room. So I had to put being a mom before being a granddaughter. I'm still working on sterilizing his favorite toys that were in her room before the staff got around to telling us it wasn't safe.

I've never seen a human so ill before. Animals, yes. Right before we put them to sleep to ease their suffering. In fact, the whole thing is disturbingly similar to how we lost Karma, our previous German Shepherd. Bacterial infection (both in the clostridium family), endless gastrointestinal chaos, lack of immune response... and now the worst, and final step - lungs filling with fluid. It was gut-wrenching to watch my dog go through it - knowing it's happening to my beloved Grandmother is tearing my heart out.

When she could still speak, before the infection ran rampant, she told anyone who'd listen she just wanted to die, and she's been a dnr for years. I totally respect her desire not to keep living in pain, but am having a hard time reconciling that with knowing the solution is for my grandma to die.

Now my aunt says they're taking out her PICC line to check for the source of infection before putting in a new one. Mom said they're taking out her PICC line and will 'let nature take its course.' They're both overly stressed, self-centered and dealing with their own depression issues outside of what's going on with their mother, so I don't know who to believe. The only thing they agree on - when they're not ranting to me about how unreliable the other one is - is that Grandma isn't going to make it.

I was devastated when my Grandma Helen died suddenly when I was a teenager. Holy crap do I now get that's better way for things to happen.