Lost

I want to swim. My shoulder won't let me.

I want to run. My calves won't even let me walk around.

I want to do yoga. My shoulder won't allow half the positions, and my calves won't allow the other half.

I'm afraid to bike. I desperately want to, even put it in my schedule today. But every time I try to make myself go get dressed I'm paralyzed, in tears.

I feel so lost. I'm scared, not of the pain but of what it might mean. For my race season, for my overall condition, for my ability to continue losing weight if I can't continue to exercise at this level. And the very things I count on to make me feel better are the things causing my pain.

I did something today I swore I wouldn't - I pulled the medical rollover form from the race site. I haven't used it yet. Won't, until I know with certainty it's not possible. Thankfully they seem to understand this about triathletes, and allow us to submit it after the race is over, to literally give us up until the starting gun to find a way to compete.

This was supposed to be the year I took it easy, the year racing didn't matter to me because my real goal is weight loss. I had no idea how important my race is to me until now, until the threat of losing it. I still have another one in 3 weeks, but that one is incidental to me. Logistically it's such a pain I don't even want to do it; the only thing bringing me back is my desire to conquer that lake, to swim it with some semblance of dignity. The race next week is my real race, my goal race for this year, and the first race of the season I planned to use as an annual benchmark.

I need to stop crying, I need to deal with this. It may end my season, but I refuse to let it end me as a triathlete. I just need some direction, someone to tell me where to go next. Because I feel so damn lost.