This has nothing to do with triathlon. I'm just incredibly upset with my brother right now and needed to vent a little.
I am the only kid in my family who made much out of my life. One brother dropped out, spent some time in jail, etc. For a while there was a restraining order against him for me. The other brother barely made it through high school, messed around for a few years, then tried community college and dropped out.
The first brother is actually pretty smart but seems incapable of applying himself. He lives hand to mouth, never holds a job for more than a couple weeks, doesn't take care of himself (is 32 and already missing many, many teeth) his wife (whom he married a few weeks before the baby came - his first, her fourth) is off living with another guy now. She just had her fifth baby. At one point the family called in DCFS because the kids were filthy and their beds had roaches crawling all over them, but the agency dropped the ball and didn't follow up while my brother and his wife disappeared. Everyone assumed the agency would remove the kids so we were prepared to take in his son, my nephew, when they disappeared. He was 3 at the time. Thankfully, the mom is always in dire need of money and stays in touch with my biological dad and his wife, who go far out of their way to take an active role in my nephew's life and make sure he has what he needs. It's a shitty situation, but I know the kid is going to be ok because my dad's watching out for him.
My other brother is a highly skilled welder but has a hard time finding work just because that's how it goes sometimes. His wife took classes in child care and babysits for extra cash. I think she also works in the elementary school cafeteria sometimes. They got married so young they couldn't drink at their own wedding. Everyone adult in the family begged them not to have kids until they were better off, but you know how that goes. They have three.
To sum up their situation: they can't always pay their rent but they've got a plasma screen in the living room and the kids each had a personal DVD player before their ages were in the double digits (they're 7 and 9).
These kids don't appreciate what they've got and have no idea about the value of anything. Last time I visited Rylee (7, the girl twin) was screaming about how she wanted an iPod for Christmas. I told her I'm 34 and I don't have an iPod because I can't afford one, so she's not getting one either. This was followed by Tori (9, the oldest) demanding a digital camera for Christmas (she's played with my digital camera before, without permission mind you, and dropped it, almost breaking the brand new $500 piece of technology.)
And they have doting grandparents who have no sense of "enough," so the kids are drowning in toys and movies and useless crap they can't even identify half the time.
I'm Cool Aunt Michelle From Chicago in this little scenario. I'm the one who jumps on the trampoline and crawls into whatever secret for they've built in their closet this week. I don't have a ton of money so I've never bought them extravagant gifts - when I do get them gifts I try to get something useful or meaningful. Not that it matters, because I inevitably feel like I've thrown my money away.
So I decided to open 529 accounts for them. My mom agreed (not that she EVER would have stuck to it, but I wanted some kinds of grandparent buy-in) that she would also stop buying them random toys and instead put the cash into their college accounts.
I met with a financial adviser, she found the right plan for us (I needed to be able to control the money because the parents will just take it and use it) and I got in touch with my SIL to get the kids information (I need their socials) so I could open the accounts.
I got a response this morning. It was, in a nutshell, take those accounts and shove 'em up your ass.
She gave me a very long list of reasons why, all of which were based on willful ignorance and the short-sighted, instant gratification attitude I was trying to circumvent with this gift. My personal favorite from the long list of stupid reasons she gave for why they will not allow me to open these accounts was, and I am quoting exactly, "it's not fair to the kids."
These are the kind of folks who are proud of not knowing things, who refer to me derisively as a high class broad or citified bitch and mock me when I use "them fifty cent words". They spend whatever money they have in hand with no regard for what tomorrow, let alone next week or next year, will bring.
Honestly, it's what I should have expected from them but I'm hurt and stunned nonetheless. I told her that I love her kids and that the best way I thought I could show that was to think about their futures instead of adding to the pile of meaningless gifts they forget about after a few weeks anyway.
She said the only way she'll allow this to happen is if I open the kind of account where the kids get handed the cash when they're 18. (Incidentally, this kind of account is also under direct control of the parent or guardian, neither of which is me.) Hmmmm.... seeing as how them not having the faintest idea - or desire - how to handle money properly is why I was doing this in the first place, let's just see how cold it's got to be in hell before I open that kind of account.
Here's the kicker - my brother is not my blood and his kids have no biological ties to me whatsoever. He is my half-brother, I was adopted by his father, by mother's second husband, when I was about 6. His mom is an ice cold bitch who hasn't even bothered to see her grandkids since they were born. He openly refers to my mom as the only mother he's ever known. I love him, his wife and his kids like they were my own and I've never cared we weren't, technically, related. We are legally related, on paper, but that doesn't matter either. He's my little brother and I love his kids and why the hell is he being so fucking stupid?!
Husband and best friend have both told me they are just being plain stupid and that I have every right to be furious. But I'm mostly just distraught - to the point of nausea and shaking hands. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, technically this is not my problem.
I'm trying to remain calm in all my communications with them just in case they see the light and have a change of heart.
In the meantime, since one of her big sticking points was that this would deprive the kids of years of gifts from me... from now on, in their birthday and Christmas cards they'll be getting shiny new photocopies of the savings bonds Aunt Michelle is holding in a lock box for them.
8 comments:
Wow. I'm not sure what to say, except that you are a very loving Aunt, and someday, hopefully, those little girls will realize this, and give you the thank you that you so deserve.
I agree with your stance 200% and know how hard it is to watch someone you love make horrible decisions that not only affect them but affect their kids! Decide what you CAN do, then do it. Live with what you can't.
I agree with Sara and Triteacher. I think you're doing the right thing, even if your SIL and brother don't understand. They kids will appreciate it. Heck, my mom just found a couple old savings bonds belonging to my sister, and now she's got an extra $1200 lying around. :)
Hey, girl, I feel for ya. As a recovering trailer-park queen redneck myself I understand their crappy reasoning, but I don't agree with it. Every good redneck knows you're supposed to act thankful and then talk about people behind their backs. More to come, in an email.
Aw, sweetie. That's so horrible and ungrateful and rude of your SIL and brother.
This is obviously not about you, at all -- you're WAY too sweet and down-to-earth to be the snob that they try to cast you as.
You're a good aunt and a good sister.
I would be shaking and incredibly pissed off too if my SIL insulted who I am like that! You are the kind of people we all wish we were related to! And she probably is just lashing out because she knows she can't give them what you can.
Oh Gawd, families, aren't they fun? Ok, Michelle, I am not a counselor, and I don't play one on TV, so take this advice for what it's worth, basically zilch. ;)
First, you have to let go of some of this. I know you are trying to do a good deed, but it's causing you too much stress. Let it go. IF the kids come to you at some point and say "Auntie Michelle, I really want to go to college but I don't know where to start" then jump in and help them, help them fill out the forms and apply for financial aid etc. Let the kids ask you. Maybe even plant the seeds in the brains now, when you are playing with them say "you know guys, education is really important so if some day you want to go to x-y-z you let me know and I'll help you with what I can." As for presents, send a card, sign it Love Aunt Michelle, and leave it at that. You don't need to buy them gifts to love them. Love is unconditional. Show them that.
Ok, like I said, not a counselor, don't play one on TV, but I do have a little stint in my employment history working in a residential treatment center for women in the dept of corrections. Learned a lot there. My husband is a counselor though, does that count? ;)
I meant to respond earlier but the situation hits a little close to home and I didn't want to say something I shouldn't. You're a great aunt and it's sad that you've got more thought to your nieces' futures than their own parents. Do what feels right to you, some day they should be grateful but they may never get there, either, given the environment they're growing up within. I hope you're feeling better.
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