Quickening

In the middle of training for my first race I went through a bad phase. A "holy shit, what did I get myself into" phase. An "omg, I'm never going to be able to pull this off" phase. So did my RTP (Reluctant Training Parnter). It felt like our training stagnated just as it was getting off the ground. We couldn't really swim - could barely do 5 laps (about 150 yards) before we needed a breather. We couldn't run at all.

The days and weeks and months ticked by and our apprehension grew. But we'd paid our non-refundable race fee, so we kept showing up. Then something magical happened.

I don't mean gradually, although there was obviously gradual improvement. I mean it was instant magic. After 6 months of effort I was stuck at a limit of swimming 15 lap intervals (30 = half mile). Then out of the blue, after a 5K on the treadmill, I got in the pool and I started swimming and voila! I could swim half a mile without stopping. Magic.

It was then that I knew I would make it. It was then I knew I could, and would, finish that first race. And it was at that moment I started to dream of all the races to come. I don't think my RTP ever had that magical moment. She never felt ready, she never felt confident. Instead of embracing the race with my "come what may" attitude, she feared it. And, I'm sad to say, she didn't enjoy it and doesn't plan to race ever again. But that's not the point.

I recognized that moment for what it was and I treasured it: my life as a triathlete had begun. It was, and is, such a wondrous thing to happen for me, and I claimed that moment for my memories because I believed I'd never see the likes of it again.

But then, just over a week ago, I felt it again. This time it wasn't race related; this time it was for my nascent career. I jumped off a cliff about a year ago, and looking back I see the chute I thought I'd packed was so much smoke and mirrors. I was panicking that I'd cut my lifeline - the steady paycheck, the easy job. Who cares if I hated my work and my company and myself... oh wait, that was why I jumped in the first place. So I spent the last year madly flapping my arms, trying to get my real career - the one that waited patiently inside me while I figured things out - to take off.

I spent last year being scared and frustrated about my job, just like I had been scared and frustrated about my race training. And just the same, I kept showing up. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when the epiphany came this time. Now I know everything is going to be ok. Not right away, no lottery ticket, but I'm not scared any more. I'm doing the work and I'm doing it well, and I learned about self-promotion and now I do that well, and the right people are starting to hear about me. I'm reaching critical mass and will soon come into my own.

After my first magic moment I thought I'd be fine with races from then on, but of course that's never the case and I'm back where I started, at least psychologically. I'm behind schedule on training and not sure how I'm going to pull it off. But now that I know the key to finding the magic is to keep showing up until it decides to reveal itself.