A Conversation with The Calorie Nazi

TCN: We have to talk.

Me: Oooookay.

TCN: You've been eating hundreds of calories a day more than I think you should.

Me: But my weight's stayed the same. You're the fancy schmancy program that's supposed to figure that out - do the damn math already and catch up with reality.

TCN: ACTUALLY, your weight hasn't stayed the same. You've gained 3 pounds. You just reset the goal weight to where you're at now. As if I wouldn't notice.

Me: I plead the fifth. And oh yeah, I plead 6 months pregnant. 3 pounds ain't so bad.

TCN: Fine. I'll give you another 150 calories for now and agree we'll try to work with the new goal. But we still have to talk about where those extra calories are coming from.

Me: *guilty silence*

TCN: Such as.... ice cream. Three times in a row last week alone. And chocolate syrup? Why do you even have those things in the house?

Me: But it's light ice cream! And I measured it only ate half of what I wanted! I even got out stupid measuring spoons and did stupidly exact tiny little portions of chocolate syrup! And it made me gag for the last six months - I was just making up for lost time! And it's like, SUMMER! And did you notice I had like, 5 salads last week?! With actual vegetables!

TCN: Well, I suppose you have a point. Maybe. But I'm not letting you off about ice cream three times in one week. That has to stop. And I get you're tired and have no problem with ordering out, but how about less pizza and more steamed veggies from the Chinese place? And hey, I noticed the quadruple helping of sour cream on that baked potato last week - you completely ruined the fact that the rest of the dinner consisted of brown rice and raw veggies. And when was the last time you worked out? Oh, and what about THIS?



TCN: Peach Blueberry Crisp, I believe?

TCN: And you can't lie to me now, you already logged it for dessert last night.

Me: Wylee made me do it. On account of the fruit flies.

TCN: Wylee. MADE you. From 300 miles away.

Me: Well. Um, ok, perhaps it might be overstating it a BIT to say that Wylee was actually aware I even had peaches. Or blueberries. Or fruit flies. But it's her fault - she went and made it first and the baby totally got a taste for it. So when I GOT peaches and blueberries and fruit flies, it was the obvious solution.

TCN: Uh-huh. Well, I suppose it could be worse. Just don't do something even more calorically stupid, like eat it over ice cream?

Me: I'm not makin any promises I can't keep.

So, OK, been sorta good and sorta bad, but at least I'm still reporting all my sins to the Calorie Nazi and neither I nor my doctor have any complaints about my 24 week weight. But... it has been creeping up so I suppose it's time to put a damper on the recent no-holds-barred ice cream extravaganza.

Just as soon as I finish that last pint of Ben & Jerry's...