Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Filling the Glass

I feel like I'm in an endless transition, and some days I handle it better than others. On my glass-half-empty days, all I can do is think about all the things I've lost, however temporarily.

I miss losing weight.
I miss food. Wanting it and cooking it. Enjoying it.
I miss feeling hungry. Not dizzy, not nauseous. Just. Plain. Hungry.
I miss my clothes.
I miss working up a sweat.
I miss needing sunscreen.
I miss having a plan.
I miss breathing hard and working hard and going all out.
I miss needing to wash a big pile of skanky, sweat-stained gear.
I miss being proud of what I've accomplished.
I miss smelling like a lake and being proud of what that means for me.
I miss the anticipation of a big workout, or a bigger race.
I miss my bike.
I miss icy bottles of water after hot runs.
I miss pushing myself.
I miss feeling sexy.
I miss feeling strong.

There are days when missing my life overwhelms me and I can't help but cry. Until a few days ago I had nothing but a pudgy belly, nausea and maybe a migraine to show for it.

But a few days ago somebody decided it was time to speak up.

So now my glass-half-empty days aren't so empty. Because it's hard to dwell on temporary losses when there's a teeny tiny soul poking insistent reminders of things to come.

Now, when I miss epic training swims across scary lakes, I think about the tiny hands pressing so gently from within, and what it will be like so seem them splashing joyfully in the water.

Now, when I miss my bike, I think about the little feet kicking me so vigorously and what it will be like to teach them to peddle their own.

Now, when I miss my runs, I think about the little legs poking and stretching, seeking room to grow, and what it will be like to chase their first steps.

I think about these things and it fills me up. It takes away the emptiness of my temporary hiatus from life and restores my faith that the future holds wonderful things.

8 comments:

Trisaratops said...

Absolutely beautiful.

(crying now)

Anonymous said...

"I miss being proud of what I've accomplished."

awww, you should be VERY proud of what you have accomplished, what you are accomplishing and, what you will accomplish!

Oh and aren't those movements from within the most glorious things? Congrats on getting more perspective. The little siren will soon be doing flip turns.

jbmmommy said...

I noticed the same line as Jessie-
You should be very proud of what you've accomplished. You've kicked butt through morning sickness, feeling more awful than most women ever do, you've still completed your triathlon and your committed to your healthy lifestyle and setting and example for that little one swimming around in there. I'm glad you're feeling better about it, sorry that much of it has been so rough for you. Take care.

TriGirl 40 said...

Loved this post. Sounds like a little tribaby is sending you lots of special messages.

LBTEPA said...

*wipes tears from eyes*
what a lovely post
- also, what they said about being proud of what you've accomplished. You WILL get back all that stuff you miss (plus even more stinky stuff to wash!) AND you'll have tribaby too

Melissa said...

What an incredible post. Thank you for being so honest with us. Tribaby is soooo lucky to have you for his/her Mommy. Do you know if it's a boy or girl?

Sixteen Chickens said...

They are pretty snuggly when they are little, and as much as I love my bike it really isn't much of a cuddler.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, Hope all is well with you and the little one. So do you know if it is boy or girl? Let us know how things are going. take Care.
Teri
Tri Chick "my new Sign"
I bought Sharon & I a sticker for our cars!!!