I haven't learned to navigate the prozac patches yet like Wil and TriSaraTops have.
These moments of doubt are just that - moments - but when they happen I feel like they're going to swallow me whole. Like I should really just give up now because I'll never be able to do all the things I keep talking about doing.
After they pass - as they always do - I can look back and understand it was a temporary state of mind. But while I'm in it I just can't see any way out.
While most prozac patches have no rhyme or reason, the source of this one is plain as day.
I haven't trained nearly enough over the winter because of my shoulder. Problem is, that's not really an excuse for the running. It sort of is, because there were days even moving it that much caused pain, but I'd be lying to myself and the world if I even pretended to think it truly kept me out of it as much as I've allowed it to.
Now that I know there will be no surgery I feel lost and scared and hopelessly behind. I just wasted three months. And the Shamrock Shuffle - my first race planned for 2007 - is only 4 weeks out.
I haven't been able to pull off running an entire 5K since the one (and only!) I scraped out in November. I've been trying desperately to do LSD, thinking the whole damn winter was surely enough time to improve my speed to the point I could run the whole 5 miles for this race.
But I haven't gotten one second faster - not since my initial improvement over a month ago of a measly 20 seconds per mile. But I need to improve by at least a minute per mile to even move up to jogging... hence the wallowing.
I hadn't registered before now because of the possibility of surgery. Now that I have an answer on that, I keep telling myself I need to sign up immediately because in a day or a week I'll be sad if I didn't. And I want to believe that once I work my way through the bad patch I'll be able to accept the need to plan a run/walk strategy. But right now that feels like failure and I just can't bring myself to go there.
[Update: I guess the Powers That Be decided for me. Registration is already closed.]
4 comments:
Oh no! I just read the whole thing thinking... isn't a 5K only 3.? miles? And isn't it ok to just run walk? And then I get to the end and you can't register anyway. Arrrgghh! I'm as frustrated as you must be. Got any of that prozac left? I need a hit.
Pick another race- quickly! And sign up and you will do it and be so happy you did!!!
(Trust me!)
I second fe-lady. There's GOTTA be another good 5K coming up here...and 20 seconds per mile isn't "measly" either! You're being so hard on yourself (of course, easy for me to say, as I do the same thing)...I think you still have plenty of time to pick another 5K out and work on a strategy for it. If that means run/walk, then hey, it works--and you're OUT there, ya know?
Hang in there. Thinking of you!
I don't think you really wasted the time and even if you did- so what? It's not as if your tri career is going to be over next year, you've got the rest of your life to improve a minute per mile. And you'll do it- I know you will. You're in it for the long haul, so admit whatever you feel you have to admit and move on- you're going to do awesome!
p.s. That was meant to sound encouraging, not bitchy- hope it came across correctly. (Coming from the woman planning to take approximately the next year off!)
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