(In Which I Sound Like an Ungrateful Monster)
Initially I was really excited about this because I was feeling pretty ok. But then all this nausea and vomiting kicked in, and I realized the grand optimism of the conversation my doctor and I had about continuing to exercise and maybe even do a little racing in second trimester was nothing but a pipe dream.
So I find myself wishing this hadn't happened. Well, not that it hadn't happened. Lord knows we've wanted it for years. Just that it hadn't happened YET. Like, why couldn't it have happened in, say 6 months? Right after I get back from IMWI?
I was really looking forward to doing the Crazy Legs on April 28th - now that's totally screwed. It's a RUN race and I signed up to RUN - they even have a different category for walkers. If I worked really hard this month I was going to just be able to squeeze out that 5 miles in 4 weeks, and I was going to be really proud of myself. But now that I'm not allowed to get my HR over 140, well, I'm completely screwed.
Not to mention all the puking. Right now I can't even leave the house. I can barely choke down/keep down 1000 calories a day. The idea of traveling to Madison and participating in a race in the near future is nothing short of comical.
But I can't laugh about it. I'm bitter and resentful. And that's just for a $25, 5 mile foot race.
Don't get me STARTED on how I feel about losing my half marathon in August. So far, the biggest goal of my life. One I was literally ONE WEEK into officially training for when all this started. And one that, for all my doctor's support and optimism about my other plans, she's got pretty clear feelings about. Because I'll be, oh, 6 months pregnant and it's in the heat of a Chicago August, she's not even keen on me showing up to walk it. Just not the smartest thing to do.
At least I hadn't yet registered for the Oly I wanted so bad. At least that's just a theoretical loss.
There's still my sprint in June. She's wary of my enthusiasm - well, the enthusiasm I showed last week before all the puking. I think she's concerned I wouldn't be careful enough, but I think she also wants to trust me because she's witnessed firsthand all the successful lifestyle changes I've made and how training is a routine part of my existence now. She keeps saying "IF you keep your HR low and IF you stay hydrated and IF it's not too hot then you can try it." I can live with that.
But honestly, I have no idea how I can pull it off if I keep feeling like this. This is quickly becoming the worst experience of my life. I've started losing weight rapidly because I'm not even keeping down the little bit I'm able to eat.
Seriously. Why couldn't this happen in six months? Then I'd just be HAPPY. Now all I can think about is how it ruined all my plans. And what if I lose the baby anyway? I'm only 6 weeks along and with my history the doctor's making no bones about the odds not exactly being in my favor. What if I go through all this crap and lose the baby and still have my season ruined?
It hardly seems fair.
5 comments:
:(
Oh you poor thing. I am so sorry you've had such a difficult pregnancy so far. I do hope you're feeling better in present-time.
It's really hard to give up our bodies, and put life on hold for a baby. No matter how long you've been hoping or trying, the difficulty remains the same. Timing is never what we expect.
I remember when my midwife told me I'd have to stop running when I was 30 weeks pregnant, or when I tripped while running and fell over the sidewalk somewhere around week 20. ... Pregnancy was an emotional and physical rollercoaster - but the end result is worth it.
You're young, there will be other half marathons and triathlons to do. You'll be a stronger mother and impress good health values on your child. I absolutely can not wait to see my baby at the end of my June half marathon - I'm running it for that moment alone.
It's a scary thing to not be in control anymore, huh?
I totally know this feeling. You had it much worse than I did, though, with all the puking and stuff. Ugh. Sometimes I'd get MAD, and then be even MADDER at myself for having the audacity to be MAD about such a thing.
We're in this together. You know where to go if you ever need to vent.
:)
First - congrats on the good news. Second - thanks for sharing the real deal about being pregnant. Not that I've ever been - but I love your honest writing. Third - glad you are starting to feel better. You'll find the right balance between being a mama-to-be - and being a tri-mama-to-be. :)
I can completely sympathize with the frustration. And you have a right to all those feelings, it doesn't make you a monster at all. I know I worked hard to lose weight and increase my fitness and now I feel like it's slipping away again. I think the first pregnancy must be the hardest because I know for me I wasn't excited, it was too abstract. I'm not the biggest infant fan, so I wasn't expecting a baby to be much fun for a long time, so to see what he (it, at the time to us) was doing to my body, was frustrating. Now that we've already been through it, I know it's worth it in the end, I'm sure you'll find that, too. And races aren't going anywhere, you'll get to that half- I'm sure of it!
I don't want to burst your bubble or anything, but for the next 18+ years this little one is going to mess with your schedule, your itinerary, and your compulsive list making. Sorry. The good news is that for the next 18+ years this little one is going to mess with your schedule, your itinerary, and your compulsive list making. :)
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